Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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