My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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