Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
