I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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