I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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