The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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