the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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