Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
