I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
