she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
