I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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