Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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