Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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