Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
