I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
They took my balls.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
