i just sent this text using only my big toe
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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