his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
