first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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