My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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