Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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