On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
