i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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