Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
