Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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