Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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