The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
we're so committed to being not committed
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
