I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
