not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
