Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
