I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
