I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
