Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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