His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
