remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
