dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
