those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
