Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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