You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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