he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
