the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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