A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
