My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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