I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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