My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
