so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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