Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
