he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
