My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
