i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
