I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
