I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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